it kinda makes me sad that i haven't typed anything on here in two months.


so much has changed, close to everything.

some for the better.
some for the worse.

keep your gaze straight ahead,
don't look back, dont look forth.
promise me, is what she said.
lock your eyes up at the north.

well.

i never type here anymore.
i've been putting it all down in a little notebook.
but i have a poem,
and i rarely write poetry on paper,
typing is easier.
you can backspace.

either way.

you had such a hold on me.
you gripped your fingers round my heart.
and held on tight.
i've spent these weeks trying to pry you off.
get you to release your grasp.
you haven't even been around,
but you've remained in this mind of mine.

well this is it,
the end,
goodbye.

i've taken those beautiful hands,
that held onto my heart,
and cut them from their wrists.

i'm no longer yours,
and its just in time.
if you don't mind,
or even if you do,
my heart is being passed on.

to gentle hands,
that hold on firm,
but not too tight.
these gentle hands,
won't crush my little heart.


...well that poem came out of nowhere,
i didn't even think, i just typed.
woww.

''Never knowin... what could have been...and havin so much to say, and watching you walk away''

''its four am, I'm waking up to your perfume, don't get up, ill get through on my own...''

so. It's four am, I'm laying on the floor of my grandparents house.
My ankle hurts so bad, its keeping me awake, so yes, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. But now I'm so awake, there's no hope. every minute longer I spend awake, I hate it more. I know that I'm less likely to go to sleep. To wake up in the morning.

F.
M.
L.

Everyone in this family is full of issues. There's always so much going on. I'm on the backburner, permanently. Not that it's a big deal, I don't need their attention anyways. I actually don't mind being in the background. But I do exist. It should be mentioned from time to time. But I'd rather them not know my issues, my dad started searching through my room, looking for this coaster I had for him that I couldn't find and I freaked. I was like stopstopstop. He was like I can do what I want, I'm your dad. No, you can't. You can't dad.

don't mind me,
i'm just fading away.
don't let me distract you,
from this new life you lead.
don't worry about me,
i'm just dying inside.

Does it ever feel like you're still eight years old? That you're really just playing make believe. You don't really know how to be fifteen, you don't know anything about boys, or fashion, or cooking. You just pretend that you do, and somehow its life. I feel like I'm in over my head with all this stuff, like when will I feel my age?

why is it that we crave the affection of others?
but then when it stays, we feel like it smothers.
we want to be loved, to be held by another,
but when wrapped in their arms, we are fast to discover,
just because he keeps you warm, doesn't mean he's your lover
underneath this shadowed blanket, it's still cold, you uncover.

hello downity,
my name is allison.

how do you choose to come today?
shall you arrive suddenly,
or will i hear you knocking?

how will you appear today, downity?
will you look shiny sharp,
or in tiny droplets down my cheeks?

will I enjoy your company, dearest?
you can be almost a comfort,
but sometimes I can't handle you.

how long are you staying, darling?
are you just stopping by,
or do I need to make room for you,
in my head tonight?

I hate to be rude downity,
but you're a bad influence on me.
if you could just stay away,
it'd be greatly appreciated.

Just kidding downity,
I'm sorry I said that.
Come back, have a seat.
distract me.

Here we are, the year is winding down.
Another year of school gone by.
What's changed?
Have I? Of course.
these expiriences, these regrets.
How much could happen in a year.
I'm baffled.
who am I now?
Worse or better than 365 days ago.
I may never know.
I won't sit here and tell you I regret this whole year,
instead i'm just gonna say, that next time my instincts tell me something, I promise to go with them.
As soon as I figure out which part of me is instinctive, and which part is lying to me.
Its strange how I lie to myself.
i'm out to get me.

from the roof of this house.
nothing extends beyond the trees.
from this spot where i sit,
all i hear is my own voice.
from this place where i am,
that voice shakes,
it knows not if it's mine.
from the shingles where i sing,
I'm the only one who exists,
but I'm one of a million.

what the fuck am i doing?

i think my subconscious doesn't want me to be happy.
it's awful.
my subconscious hates me.

its like I'm trying to fuck everything up,
i just want it all to be perfect.

this is a lost cause.

what the fuck am i doing?

steel city, you'll always be a part of me.

you inspire me.

math class, today:

tell me i'm yours
you'll always be mine.

speak words and smiles,
give me the signs.

that would be perfect,
in a fantasy daze

but be realistic,
it's all just a phase.

I want to believe you,
but life's made me dark.

i've been here before,
i've felt all these sparks.

how are you sure?
your confidence shines..

I'm afraid of my mind,
she's lied too many times.

my heart's just the same,
confused with what's right.

I'm sorry my darling,
this is more than tonight.

May 5th, 2009
(I'm really proud of this one)

I'm so glad you're mine
You're the best that exists,
from your toes to your nose,
to the palms in your fists.

but you see there's this thing, love
too large to ignore,
this heart has been broke,
straight down through the core.

I thought he was true,
this past lover of mine,
but the love that we shared
was not one of a kind.

I held on so tight,
to the fairytale, i pretended.
but when the storms passed,
a loss of hope had descended.

I had to let go,
something hard for me to do,
my heart? it was broken.
and our love? it was through.

so please, my new lover
be patient, understand
my heart's still reforming,
in the palm of your hand.

Tell me what you're thinking
I can't handle this guessing game.
Am I winning or losing?
two hundred just for passing go,
but then what happens?
Here on the boulevard,
things will never be the same,
for you, for me.

do you ever think

about how easy it would be to slip right back down.
let yourself fall right back into that place.

when something goes wrong, in even the slightest,
how easily you could just fall back into familiarity.

but you know you can't.
it wouldn't really solve anything.
you know it wouldn't.

sometimes, it's just hard though.

Sitting here in my underwear..

my house is hot.

hahahah.

my mom needs to learn that the average person can not comfortably survive at the temperature of 100 degrees...celcius.

okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little,
either way.. :P

Last night was a lot of fun :]
Today was too, but i started worrying.
I need to let go.
Just let it all go.

I'm so over you.
Wow i'm so over you. Infact, i've never been soo over ANYONE in my entire LIFE.

Seriously..
what did I see in him?

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but you're being an ass.
I don't even care anymore. Go ahead, go get an std from that random bitch.. It doesn't matter to me.
Like seriously, I'm so happy that for the first time, I can say that and completely mean it. It's really really great :)

thank god.

Everything is okay.
Thank god everything worked out.
I'm so relieved.
thankgod.
thankgod.
thankgod.

if i wasn't still a little scared, things would be perfect.

but im pretty much alright.
thankgod.

if i have one piece of advice you ever listen to, it should be this.
the ripple effect does more than you know,
you don't know how much you'll impact someone's life.
you just don't know.

how does ignoring feel?

I'm completely pushing away every bad thought.
maybe that's not healthy, but I don't wanna be anything but happy right now.

I refuse to even listen to anything but happy music.
nevershoutnever has been on repeat, it's almost pathetic :P

I don't want to ruin these moments.
Like if I wanted to, I could so easily slide into crying.
But I'm doing everything to avoid it.

I'm so sick of being sad.
I'm so sick of being upset.
I'm so sick of stressing.

I am fifteen years old.
Maybe this sounds like narcassistic or something,
but damn it, I deserve to enjoy my life.

You're only a teenager once, I can't spend my time crying in a corner.
I've wasted too much time, it's never seemed so urgent before.

it's not even six yet.

My mom woke me up early to study for chemistry because I just couldn't concentrate last night. Yesterday was so bizarre.
I have a lot of guilt built up from it.

I've got this new...boy.
and either way, when my ex saw me and the new guy, holding hands and such, he kinda flipped.
After third period he began to beg me back.
During fourth period he started sending me desperate pleas. He can't live without me, he doesn't just want me, he NEEDS me.
And how he's changed in the past couple of days of being away from me. He's a changed guy!
I told him no.
I told him I couldn't go back.
Then [in a nutshell] he told me he couldn't live without me, if he couldn't have me, he was going to kill himself.
I flipped out and left math.
Then I texted him and told him to get out of the lunchroom, now.
He did. I grabbed his arm and started pulling him to the counselor.
He kept telling me no, but he didn't stop walking.
I told him he was threatening suicide! this is what he needed.
he told me he wasn't threatening, he was planning.
oh my gosh.
As we walked into the counselor's he complained how it wasn't going to help anything.
I hoped he was wrong.
I ask to see the first counselor we could [thank god, it was my counselor!] He asked what the problem was and I told him my friend here..-err..exboyfriend is being suicidal.
He then told me to leave, this was a one on one thing.
I felt majorly relieved, but still upset.
Then during fifth he texted me "this ruins everything, my whole life is fucked up"
He basically began to blame everything on me.
Freak me out more, why don'tcha?
He had to spend the rest of the day at the counselors, then his dad picked him up go to the hospital.
He was texting me, last night, from the hospital. Still asking me to get back together with him.
He had to spend the night there.

Meanwhile I'm trying to be excited about the new dude, but I feel horribly guilty for being excited.
Since the whole ex thing.
I feel so guilty about so many things right now.
It'll be okay though.
I'm gonna talk to the counselor about it today, like about yesterday.

My dream last night

I left my small cabin house to wander around. Im pretty sure if i didn't drink water constantly i slowly fade or something like that but me and random boy, my brother end up joining a traveling circus together on our journeys.
and it was just this huge long drawn out dream. it was awesome. there was an invisible girl in our circus [and its ironic that the invisible girl is a girl at my school who went blind] and we were counting out all our european coins for her to go buy some food for the first time and not have her invisibility noticed. She had on a cap and such so all that was visibly gone was her eyes and top of her nose.
Then i was in this store with my mom, idk this part was really dark feeling emotionally i remember, and she was flirting with this guy or something. he looked like a lumber jack. i remember looking at halloween costumes for some reason.
idk..
it was all so confusing.

damn you, allison.

you contradict yourself.
i didn't mean to start liking somebody.
i even tried not to.

but you can't stop yourself,
it doesn't work.
things just happen.


now what?

Love isn't my thing anymore.
i'm listening to that good charlotte song, I don't wanna be in love.
It's right. Cause I don't.
I have my whole life to find love. I have my whole life to find the one. anything I do right now, I throw my whole self into. I don't want my life to be dependent on someone else. I want to be self sufficient, and if I'm in love, it runs my life. I don't have too much experience in this, I'm young. But I have been in love and if it turns out to be one sided, it hurts. Like seriously. I could really be upset right now, like ill admit, I could break down if I didn't stop myself from thinking about it. But right now I don't wanna be upset. I just want to enjoy my life, so that's what I'm gonna do. Alone and self sufficient. :)

go ahead

ask me why im crying.

i gave you my heart.
i gave you my all.
i gave it all away.

all i asked for was a little bit of your love.
not even all of it.
just a smidgen.
you couldn't even do that.

the song im listening to its basically what youre thinking.
i know it.

it was obvious this was coming.
it was obvious you were fading.
i just wanted to ignore it.
pretend i wasn't gonna be broken.

pretending is for actors and small children.

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im so up.
so down.
all the
time.

i have this problem.

i ignore problems by rearranging my furniture.

it's like a whole new room everytime.
something to concentrate on.
rearranging my furniture takes at least a couple of hours.
it makes me feel...empowered.
and all nice and shiny new.
it's not like i get bored of the way it was,
i just like the change.

things keep happening.

Life is flying by so fast,
I don't know what to do with it.
I just want to hold on tight with one of those children leashes and pull it back.
keep that young innocence.
maybe that's what those little child harnesses are really trying to do.
these parents aren't only trying to hold their kids back from walking away with the stranger.
but they want to hold them back from walking into adolescence.
i hate to break it to you, guardians, but your method isn't exactly as effective as you thought.

I'm a second-class citizen in this household.

I feel like I keep returning to this topic, but recently it's felt so true.
I know what you're thinking, "this chick's dad just bought her a laptop, i give her no sympathy"
but the thing is, I'm not looking for your sympathy, I'm just saying how I feel.
My brother is virtually untouchable.
my parents blame it all on the medicine.
Medicine makes your brother an asshole?
Medicine makes him take your stereo without asking and gets it all tangly.
Medicine makes your brother punch your door and scream at you to "watch yourself."
Maybe it could for some people, but what my parents don't realize is that, this is nothing new.
He's always been like this.
Nothing has changed except a couple hundred more dollars down the drain every month.
and a whole new suitcase of stress for my mom to carry.

i wrote a poem last night in bed.

sometimes i'm on the outside,
watching the fun go along.
sometimes i'm on the inside,
but somehow my laughter sounds wrong.

some days it's all just a movie,
and my eyes fixate on this screen.
some days i'm recorded on camera,
but it all just feels like a dream.

I'm not sure exactly what I want to talk ab9ut today here, but I'm very antsy and so I know I need to write something.
I think I'm just gonna ramble.

Basically I'm not gonna be able to see my bf for the rest of this week, aka. all of spring break. And it really bums me out cause spring break oh 9 was supposed to be super amazing, but it can't be super amazing without him...or good weather [it's windy and overcast]. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I can't help it.

And all this shit with my brother is pissing me off. My parents spent an hour "discussing" him in the garage while my dad was here. His pyschiatrist doctor thing has had him on about a dozen different medications between last year and this year. They have all fucked with his head...has anyone ever considered the thought that maybe there's nothing wrong with that brain of his, and he's just a bit lazy.
He was so much better off before they had him on drugs ranging between A.D.H.D medicines to very strong anti-pyschotic meds.
Maybe he's just a drama queen
or
Maybe there's stuff he's not telling us, and in reality he really is messed up.
I don't know.
But he spent virtually the entire weekend with my dad asleep. I think my dad is a mixture of worried and pissed.
But the only reason we know any of the drugs he's been on is because my dad searched throughb his room at the cabin and here at our house and those are the prescriptions he's found.
My brother doesn't have to discuss anything with us because he's eighteen now, so his medical history is private.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention it!
My brother Chris is GETTING MARRIED ALSO :]]
Now 2 out of the 3 dawson brothers are getting married!
Emory and Autumn= november 19 [i think?]
Chris and Marissa= early 2010

It's so crazy and it makes me so excited.
I haven't been to a wedding since I was three.
I'll be sixteen then, do I have to bring a date?
My boyfriend will be in guatamala during both of these...

Oh I haven't explained that either.
I've been overstressing so much recently about what to do.
My boyfriend is spending junior year of our highschool expierence in guatamala with his dad's girlfriend and her kids.
I offered to let him date other people during that year, but he refused.
So i don't know what else to do.
I'm honestly worried I won't be able to take it.
I'm worried we won't make it through it.
He seems pretty nonchalant about it, but he's a guy.
Does that make a difference?

But junior year is so important.
He's gonna miss both weddings [as I already mentioned]
My sweet sixteen.
Both our first car drives. [which we promised to have with eachother]
Being upperclassmen.
homecoming.
junior prom.
and then all those little moments that bring you closer to people.
An entire school year is a long time to be away.

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on it just yet,
things could happen,
he could end up not going.
But for some reason I feel like it'll be the end.
I don't know, maybe I'm being overdramatic?
Okay I'm done talking about it.

I'm so fucking pissed.

Children please excuse my language in the following blog.

I'm just so pissed off.
My parents wouldn't let me get my lip pierced before, my mom was gonna allow it but my dad nixed it, so I gave up.
I tried to go for a compromise, a tongue piercing, which isn't NEARLY as cool, but I'd deal with it.
So I explain it to my mom, and she's okay with it, so long as my dad is.
And so I explain to him my compromise and he just says "no."

I'm trying to express my individuality in this world of conformity and all he can say is...no.
I was so. pissed.
And when we finally stopped arguing about it and get off the phone [he told me he was done talking about it..wtf.], he calls my mom.
And she doesn't even stand up for me!
They are both apparently worried that if I start doing stuff like getting piercings, I will act out.
When my mom came into my room to talk to me about it, I started flipping out. I was like yelling and shit and I was so angry my eyes were tearing up.

Its not even the fact that I can't get the lip ring, or tongue piercing, it's the principle of the thing.
Do you know how much my brother has fucked up?
No, of course you don't.
Well he has.
A lot in the past.
And he still does, they just don't know it.
Yet he stays out all night, they don't know where he is, he's failing classes and is a douchebag and still does and says whatever the fuck he wants.
they say it's cause he's eighteen.
but this has been going on since he was my age.
I get good grades, rarely get in trouble, and always feel guilty if I'm even bitchy to my mom.
And what do I get? One big slap in the face.
What I tried to explain to my mom is the less freedom she gives me, the more I'm going to act out to get it.
I told her that.
Then she tried to guilt trip me and stuff and I told her to shut up because guilting isn't gonna work, she's being completely unfair.
So she started apologizing a bunch, about the divorce, about everything.
She said she's tried to let me do what I want, like baton twirling and soccer and such.
And i was like well i can't anymore cause we're too poor.
She said we probably wouldn't be so poor if she hadn't let me in the first place.
So it's my fault we're broke now?
Thanks mom, thanks.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I like how this seems.
Can we keep these seams together?
Because it seems you're okay.
are you okay?

hide these feelings.
i don't want to know the truth.
can't i live in a sandbox?
can't i live in toyland.
little girl and boy land.
they'll say we're okay.
as we dance and play.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I like how this seems.
Can we keep these seams together?
Because it seems you're okay.
please be okay.

clog your ears with cotton candy
fill your mouth with butterscotch.
don't let out a single peep
or i might have to pop.
we'll grin in joy for all the sweets
they'll say that we're okay.
as we dance and play.

stomping on in
these big bully boys.
they crash on through these dreams.
steal our candy
break the toys
and rip things at the seems.
that's how it seems.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I liked how this seemed
We couldn't keep these seems together
though you seemed okay.
are you okay?
you're not okay.
i'm not okay.


^ i just wrote this song
maybe it seems silly on here
and it kind of is when i sing it.
but its kind of meant to be light and airy.
hmmmm

Part one:

sometimes,
i fuck up.

sometimes,
you fuck up.

call me a fuck up?
we're all fucked up,

sometimes.


i was debating on whether or not to post this poem
it has a lot of cusing, but it's kind of there for the play on words,
if it makes any sense.

part two:
this kinda looks like a poem, but its not, hah.

do you ever want to be held?
i feel like that right now.
i need arms around me,
someone there, to know I'm not alone.
I'm not alone, am I?
Sometimes it just feels that way.
No one wants to be there for eachother.
But everyone needs someone,
to care for them.
But that means someone has to do the caring.
Should I be the caretaker or the cared-for.
I'm usually the caretaker,
but someone has to take the position, right?

I'm not making sense.

This house feels lonely,
where's my cat?

well.

Part One:
This past week has by far been the most crazy.
So much has happened.

And quite frankly I've made a lot of stupid choices.

There was an incident last night, one which I'm not going to go into detail about.
But anyways,
It really scared me, Idk about the other people,
but I was really freaked out, frazzled was the word I used.
I don't know why it was like that, but it kind of just added to all the other stuff spinning around in my head and it made me feel so out of control.

I felt like I didn't have a hold on life anymore.
My room's a mess.
My life reflects it.

I just, Idk.
I can't really explain myself.

It's like, I feel like I keep messing up.
like I keep doing everything wrong, and it's coming back and biting me on the ass.

Do you know that feeling?

Thank god for antonio [my bf] last night.
I felt so guilty because earlier that day I was bitching at him for not being able to hang out with me and blah blah blah.
And then I got a text message last night, soon after the incident, when we thought the car had broken down, that read oh yea happy eight months baby.
and I had forgotten.
I felt so awful, and was worried he'd be upset.
I was freaking out so bad, after walking in the house to see my brother, his fiance, and my mom all sitting in the kitchen. They all had no idea at all. I'm not sure why that bothered me so much, but it did.
So I got on the phone with antonio, and I started explaining everything that had happened; I was talking so fast and rushed that I was stuttering, and my words kept toppling over eachother.
He just listened.
He didn't mention the eight months thing, he didn't get angry.
he just listened, even though, I then found out, that he was at a bonfire with his best friend.
He told me I needed to calm down.
He told me to go take a hot bath with some hot tea and just relax cause he could tell I was still freaking.
I said okay.
He told me to call him if I needed him, even though he was out.
I told him I'd be okay.
He was like, no even if you think you need to talk to me in the slightest bit, call. please?
I told him I would.

It made me feel better that someone really cared.


Part two:

Today is saturday.
I'm going to a funeral, I've never been to a funeral before.
I'm scared.
I'm not sure of what, but I'm scared.
Is this weird?

we're not falling in love

we're just falling apart.

-fer sure-
the medic droid.


so true.
Sometimes I feel like we are just falling apart.
Everything.
How are people supposed to muster up any happiness when all goes wrong?
How can you be happy when there's so much sad surrounding you?
What if you don't want to be happy.
Things are just falling apart.

This week, so many awful things have happened,
and I really can't think of a single good thing.

This vase
once like ocean waters
shined and glittered.
three roses
blooming, white.

one mistake.
a hurried escape
crash to the floor.
shatter.

ocean waters,
shower the ground.
gleaming in desolation.

pieces, still glitter.
a thousand
any of them could
raise blood to your skin.
raise tears to these eyes.

ocean waters,
flow again, flow soft.
gentle this pain.

all three blooms.
once blossoming,
now a graveyard
a graveyard, a story.

float away, petals.
through this ocean,
float away.


well thats different than anything i've ever written.

Alright,
So I was sitting on the floor of my kitchen lookin in this pile of random papers and such with the intent of finding a notebook to doodle in.
I found one, but my mom had written a bunch of directions to random places in it.
Then I found a magazine "College..something or another" <--[forgot the rest of it]
It was addressed to me, and I decided to go look at the growing pile of college letters and whatnot for me, that my mom had began to grow.
I picked up a more recent magazine and began to read it.
All the decisions.
All the choices.
All the everything.
I freaked out.
College is so close, and there are so many colleges in the country.
It's crazy.
And I'm crazily indecisive, so it was awful.
I began to look up the process for becoming a psychiatrist online.
It all talked about medical degrees and how you need to be skilled in..."math, chemistry, and biology"
The only three courses in history that I've ever even gotten CLOSE to getting a C in, in forever, literally.
I started freaking out and like crying, and I called my mom and she started preaching to me about how lazy I am.
How I'm not going to get anywhere in life if I don't try.
But it's so hard to get motivated, when none of this effects me in the near future, and there are no immediate consequences for doing bad.
Like seriously, my mom always threatens stuff that will happen if I don't do good in school, but she never actually goes through with it.
I know I'm smart, or whatever, But where's the motivation come in?
Who really gives a shit?
I live in the moment too much.


whatevers.

I wrote this poem earlier this month,
just wanted to share it.

bf.
best friend, boyfriend.
it can stand for anything,
cause he stands for me.
he stands for my anything.
love, infatuation,
call it what you want,
he'll always call.
he'll always be on call.
stupid, crazy.
say what you want
but he says he loves me,
and I say, he means it.

I'm so cold.

Let me explain my story regarding the song above.
Kate and I bought "Punk goes Pop Vol. 2" off of itunes, on which There for Tomorrow covered this song.
Very well, I might add.

I didn't think much of these lyrics, but I was reading the comments under the video above, and someone commented on how much they loved the song because the lyrics were "so DEEP"
I didn't realize they had any depth and wanted to know what she was speaking about. But i really didn't feel like analyzing it, so I went to a song-meanings website where someone explained it for me.
I felt like I could really relate to it.
Basically the song is about a guy who was hurt in a previous relationship and is afraid of showing any emotion and opening himself to his new girl because he doesn't want to get hurt again.
He really likes her but his fear of being hurt made him close down.
Not that I've ever really been hurt too dramatically by a relationship, but I'm kind of the person whose afraid of giving themselves completely to people.
That's part of the reason I broke up with my boyfriend before, when it comes down to it, I was afraid of becoming attached to him, to have him break me.
I'm afraid of heartbreak, and I know lots of people are, so they know what I'm talking about.
But once I do let someone have all of me [all relationships, not just boys.], I hold onto them tight, that's where getting called "clingy" comes in. Once I have them, and I've given them myself, I don't want to lose them. I can't lose people.

Which brings me to topic two.
I recieved a call from my mother this morning,
My uncle mike had a massive heart attack sometime between yesterday and today, and didn't make it.
My aunt found him, lips blue, tried to perform CPR, and then called an ambulance.
He didn't make it at the hospital.
My mom told me this information, and I don't feel like I'm reacting properly.
Maybe there's not a "correct" way to react, but I feel like a bad person.
I didn't shed a tear, I'm kind of stunned, you know?
It doesn't feel real.
No one close to me has ever died before, outside of pets, and even then I didn't cry.
Is there something wrong with me?
I cry at sad songs, being home alone, movies, fights, and insults.
But I can't even muster a few tears for my poor old uncle mike?
We had "pickle parties" together!
I sat with him while he spoke things I didn't understand [and can't remember],
and smoked with my aunt.
He owned the coffee shop with my aunt.
My poor aunt.
My poor mom.
My poor twin cousins. [his daughters, every way besides biologically]
They're all crying I bet.
How come I can't?
I can't imagine how my aunt [his wife] feels. I feel so bad for her, this is so awful :[.
Does the rest of his family even know yet?
Its so out of control,
and I can't even cry.
There must be something wrong with me.

These ups, these downs.

part one:
I wrote a very very angry blog earlier,
but I didn't post it.
I saved it as a word document, called "unposted blog"
it wasn't happy, but at the time, it needed to be written.

I've been so all over the place recently.
I hold a lot in, as far as feelings, like I somewhat let them out, but i kinda let people walk all over me. I don't know, it's hard to explain

I hold it in a lot, especially anger, because I don't like to upset people.
But I kind of snapped today; hence the angry blog writing.
Someone said something, that normally would make me go "wtf.." and that's all. But instead I flipped out.
Overreacted.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I cried.
I threw things.
and then i shook as I sent a text message.

part two:
I have a friend, very dear to me. He has major self-esteem issues, and if anyone knew what this boy felt, they would treat him with much more...civility. It really upsets me [even though I'm sure I'm guilty of it] when people say things without realizing who they effect.
Have you ever said something like..."I really hate the color red, it's so ugly"
unknowing that the boy next to you, his favorite color was red, and he was wearing the red sweater his mom gave him for Christmas.
You just never know.
And some might say those people need thicker skin [much like my mother always told me to get, as a child], but there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Normally sensitive people are also sensitive to other's feelings. Which is a good thing.
Anyways, So my friend is treated like dirt by a lot of people, and I just wish they could see what kind of damage they cause with the words they say.
How much hurt one sarcastic comment could cause.
Ever heard of the rippling effect? How one movement in a lake of water causes giant ripples to spiral outward from every direction and effect everything anywhere near it?
Well that's what people do.
Probably including me, and I really should be more careful about what I say.

Part 3:
Now I'm in quite the joyful mood. Despite everything. I'm listening to across the universe soundtrack on my ipod, under the playlist labeled "chilling." and I'm pretty dang alright.
I just wanted to add this part three because when giving the news, they always seem to only say the bad. The good is important too.
And I'm very well right now, so I wanted you to know that.

<3 spread the love.

prose.

i wrote this prose last night..
i'm forming it into a poemish form.

look!

Stare at the phone screen by tiny fingertips.
Watch it all disappear.
The night sky hides it all.
I could be anyone.
These could be any hands.
Morning light, someone hits the switch.
Will it be me when the sun begins to shine?
Will it even matter?
The light will always fade away.
Night will always come again.
Nothing beyond those little fingertips.
Tapping at a white screen.
I could be anyone, anywhere.

different than anything else i've written.
i do enjoy it.
:P
comment what you think it means.

new poem from friday?

i think it was friday.

two arms, two legs.
solid stone.
two eyes, two ears.
concrete.
one mouth, one single chance.
rock bottom.

I haven't cried in front of my mom in a long long time.
Or at least, idk.
But I was crying a minute ago, and I didn't realize how loud it was.
And she comes slamming on my door, then bursts in.
m:What's wrong?
a:and i turn my head away, in shame.
m:Were you just crying?
a:No, of course not [wiping my eyes]
m:Yes you were, did you and antonio have a fight?
a:No, I'm fine, leave me alone.
m:I'm not leaving this room until you tell me what's wrong.
a:No.
m:You don't get to go to bed till you did.
a:It's nothing.
m:Allison I heard you from the hall.
a:it's just that..

so yeah, it went from there.
It was really embarrassing.

the other two.

view the previous post for the first poem.
these are the other two.

A boy so small,
on the inside, that's it.
Lost in these walls,
through no holes he can fit.
Afraid and ascared,
if only he understood.
There's someone who cared,
but thing's aren't that good.

The boy so small,
lost as can be.
He can't even see,
past his own eyes.
the future he knows,
lies up in the skies.
so shiny the blade.
so thick the red blood.
Goodnight little boy,
goodnight my love.


kind of dark, but it's gotta be.

the third poem was brought about by a discussion in sociology about this news story:

Friday, February 21, 26-year-old Kenzie Marie Houk was apparently shot to death by her 11-year-old stepson in their Pennsylvania farmhouse. She was eight months pregnant.

According to CNN the shooting with a youth shotgun is not suspected to be accidental. Houk's seven-year-old daughter implicated her stepbrother in the murder. The boy, whose last name is Brown, will be charged as an adult under Pennsylvania law. Currently, there is no clear motive for the crime. However, sibling jealously has been suspected.

here it is:

She tried her best,
her very hardest.
It was never enough.
Slow steps down the stairs.
Seventeen, counted.
Cold metal, feels so secure.
Goodbye mother,
you deserve this.
you deserve it all.

not very good, i'll admit it.

oh well, tell me what you think

today at school

today was nice, I think.

I don't really remember anything in particular about it.

But i wrote two poems on my new lil phone today [he's so handy]

woah, jk i wrote three.
i dont really like any of them that much.

one's about a friend of mine, another of things, and the third of something I heard.

one:

Her love for him was infinite.
His love for her was never ending.
She cried,
as did he.
With a love so powerful,
words couldn't even hold.
Tears of sorrow, tears of joy.
Tears that everything must end.
Every moment meant one less second.
Every breath meant one less heartbeat.
His only reason for existence,
The only way she could survive.
So she held on tight.
as did he.
Couldn't bear to let go.
Couldn't bear the chance of loss.
So she cried,
as did he.
Because the end is always coming,
until it hits down, hard.

jk im only giving the first one, ill post the others later.
just think about this one right now,
i dont wanna overwhelm you.

well this is my 2nd post in 5 minutes

I fear the unknown.
I'm afraid of what I don't know.
what's beyond my line of vision,
out of my hearing range.
Or whats hiding in my darkest shadows.
The lies trembling behind every corner.
just waiting to be found.
I fear the unknown.
The future, what's coming tomorrow.
the life ahead of me, uncertainty.
the happenings in my horizons.
I fear the unknown.
What may be gathering behind
those teary eyes of yours.
what cries your mouth shuts in.
what fists your arms hold back.
let it out.
I fear the unknown.













ps. im one fourth asleep.

I'm fifteen years old.
I can't believe myself sometimes.

I mean, I guess it's kind of expected.
I've always seemed to do stuff early.
I walked at nine months.
Read by three
Dated early (whatever you can call middle school relationships)
and now this.

I guess it doesn't surprise me.

You think I'd be freaking out.
I thought I'd be freaking out.
But I'm not.

I'm surprisingly okay with it :)
Life's good.

I just have a permanent exclamation point above my head, like omg! in some sort of old video game where they show their emotions with giant symbols over their head, cause the graphics aren't high-tech yet to define their faces well.

I was about to go to sleep when iI jumped up to write this blog,
that always happens to me.

okay, well i'm done now.
goodnight.

sometimes im not even sure what i mean.

back in fourth grade, mary was asked a question.
a question from a hopeful young Mrs. Smith:
"what do you like, child?" she asked.
Mary lied "I love bike rides," knowing her brothers loved them.
And that was that.

sophomore year in highschool, mary was asked a question.
a question from a sad eyed Jack.
"what do you like, sweetheart?" he asked.
Mary said "Bike rides," not paying attention to her words.
And that wasn't it.

young mother, mary was asked a question.
a question from a curious daughter.
"what do you like, mommy?" she asked.
Mary said, "Bike rides, let's take one together," the correct answer, she knew.
And that was what it was.

senile ma'am, mary was asked a question.
a question from a doleful relative.
"what do you like, grandmother?" he asked.
Mary said, "I've never liked bike rides," and she knew it was true.
and that was it.
and she cried.
and she cried.

wow..

what a weekend.
so much happened, I'm not gonna go into specifics but the whole thing was very...surreal.

the best part was:

kate, rachael, and I in her car, with certain songs playing by avril lavigne:
runaway.
everything back but you.
hot.
my happy ending.

it reminded me of the perks of being a wallflower.

Driving in the car, with the music so loud you can't even hear yourself think,
yeah, I felt infinite,
and I'm pretty sure they did too.

I wanted to thank kate for being an awesome friend when I needed her, she knows what I mean.

Things that happened on friday, were so long ago, it feels like years.

This weeked had some of the highest ups and downs I've had in a while.
down on friday.
up on saturday.
down then up on sunday.
up then down on monday.


wow.

my feet stink.

I woke up this morning to my mother standing in my doorway, trying to convince my kitty to get me out of bed. Kiska just kept meowing.
I spent a long time deciding the details of my outfit this morning, but eventually figured it out [after about 238129038 combinations]
The day went on as usual, chemistry, latin, etc..
If I could remember more specifics, I would tell you, but school was mostly a blur.
Except for the fact that I received a couple of comments regarding my outfit today.
My latin teacher just stared, then went on to apologize and say something I can't exactly remember about the brightness of my clothing.
As I walked into sixth period, Mr.Denney said that he never knows what to expect to find me wearing when I walk in the room. The teacher next to him just said I had a very creative and unique style [or something like that].
Either way, it made me feel even more comfortable in my own skin.
To add to the list, in seventh period, sociology, we did an exercise where we wrote down what we believed we were, then had a piece of paper stuck to our backs, and everyone proceeded to write what they thought of each other on their friend's backs.
I got a bunch of nices, sweets, etc.
Expected, right?
Not saying I'm that outstandingly nice or anything, but thats what you expect everyone to write when they don't know you very well.
My friend told me I was very different, but then made sure to explain that I understood he meant in a good way. I told him not to worry about it.
I don't feel that different,
well sometimes I do.

but anyways...

When I got off the bus, I was so glad to get home and put on some pjs :).
I made scrambled eggbeaters [yum yum?], a bowl of cereal, and some chocolate milk mix stuff [the hot choco mix with cold milk, a combo everyone claims disgusting, until they try it].
Then I ate it while watching the King of Queens, and realized that I just had a ton of dairy, and felt very full.
I found my yoga booty ballet [live!] hiphop abs video, and stuck the dvd into my computer. It was very peppy and fun, but I had to take a break 20ish minutes into it, I just couldn't handle it.
After the video was over, I decided to take a walk to chill out before I did my homework.
I grabbed my ipod and phone, and began to walk around my street.
I turned on copeland [still hadn't really listened to them much, even though mike had suggested]
I walked around the street, and up to the golf course. I felt the random compulsion to sit on the course. I took a seat on the grass pinestraw mixture up on a hill, changed my mind, and found a spot under a tree.
I just sat there [I even turned my ipod off after a minute] and thought. I don't clearly remember what I thought about, but I stared at the way all the prickly leave things on the branch in front of me stuck out in all different directions, begging for sunlight, reaching up like little arms.
I had zoned out on the horizon until a woman talking on her porch, at a nearby house, brought me back to reality.
I got up and walked home, well actually, about halfway home I felt the impulse [the ones I can't help but follow] to run as fast as I could. Which I did, for about 100 yards.
Then I ran out of breath.
I really need to get in shape.

I'm still listening to copeland, they're good [go mike!]
But now I must go do homework [although I'm not sure what yet].

I'm content. :]
Thanks for reading.

Last night, my boyfriend of almost seven months, broke up with me or as he says “take a break”

I couldn’t stop crying last night or this morning and I just wanted to thank all of my friends for being there for me.

He wants to get back together with me, and quite frankly I have no idea what I want right now.

So after he did what he did, I was so upset my hands were shaking when I wrote this poem, I kept messing up.

I’m actually not very proud of this poem, it’s not very good.

It’s very straightforward, and repetitive, like a 90’s pop song kinda.

Here it is:

Am I the only one that hurts?
These tears falling from my eyes.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
I can't breathe here.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.


I can't breathe.
I can't live without you.
Our song on my ipod, full volume.
Screams the words you once said to me.
Screams the words you once meant.
I love you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I can't do this alone.
I can't do this without you.
I can't live.


Shut up song.
Shut the fuck up, I don't need you.
Fuck that stupid jerk, I don't need you.
I'm lying.


I love you so damn much.
I really do.
You don't feel the same.
I'm dying.
You don't care.
I'm dying.
It doesn't matter to you.


Why is this song still playing?
I can't take it.
It makes me shake.
Makes me cry.
Makes me feel more alone than ever.
Makes me want nothing but you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.



I hope that helps you understand how much this boy means to me.
hell, i couldn't even keep it together at school today.

:/

leave me commments.

So sick

I’m so sick of fucking up.

Where’s my rule book? How the hell am I supposed to know how to live this life if there aren’t any instructions?

I hate fucking up.

I’m just so afraid of hurting things.

I just don’t want to see things end.

I can’t take this all.

I feel paranoid.

I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me when you read this,

all of you.

Will you find me crazy?

Maybe a tad melodramatic?

Stupid?

Whatever.

This song is all that can take screaming in my head.

[the only thing keeping me sane]

Little house by the Fray.

She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around

I’m interested to hear what you think this song means, not to me specifically, but to you or to anyone for that matter.

Sorry.

ps.

this made me feel better.

that's why i blog, that's why I need to do this.

Once it’s on here, out of my head and onto the web, I don’t have to think about it anymore, it’s not mine.

todaytoday

This post is going to be pretty light, I'm in a pretty light mood.

So, kate helped me rearrange my furniture [take some apart too] and clean out my room.
And I thank her greatly.

I LOVE YOU KATE

Today, Kate, Mike, and I had a photo shoot, with mr. mike as our photographer. His skills are amazing, and even though I make some sillylooking faces, He still rocks.
www.mikemags.net <----copy and paste that into your little box at the top, you know you want to :]

I LOVE YOU MIKE.



this weekend has been fun.

sigh, now I have much homework to do, which also involves watching the three musketeers, which I really dislike, it has no plot as far as I can see.


:P peaceout.

Good.

Things are so much better. I'm not doing IB, which means I won't get to see some of the people I love as much, but I won't have to deal with leaving my best friends just yet.  

I'm really happy right now. I feel so relieved, I didn't realize how stressed out I was about IB until I let it go. I feel like the world's been lifted off my shoulders, and everything else just seems possible. I can do this.

First things first, I MUST clean my room, I might even start today, it's so awful, I can't deal with it. There's all of this crap. I'm having a "Walden" moment and all of this shit is driving me insane. I want it all gone.

I feel the need to type and type and just type forever. I can't do this. All of everything is so overwhelming, I'm going to regret posting this. But I can't take it. Do you ever feel that way? Like everything is just crushing you and you want to scream. That everything in the world is so damn pointless, or at least everything in your life is. I want to get rid of all of this shit, all of my life shit. Everything crowding me away, hiding me from the happiness that childhood knew so well. All this drama, all this everything. All the decisions, that Walden guy was right, you just need to simplify to find happiness. Its so true. All of the shit surrounding me means nothing. I love the people I love, and that's it. Suppressing feelings doesn't help you at all. We all hide so much, just to stop from hurting people, to keep things crystal clear because no one likes to be told they're wrong. No one likes to know they've failed. People cover it all up and blanket the truth. It isn't healthy, but in the world of today there's nothing else we can do, you can't just say whatever you think. Society's norms keeps us from being us. Well just because you burn it, doesn't mean the ashes don't cry the truth.

The room is spinning.
These hearts are falling.
Things get so bad.
Tears fall so hard.
Shiver Shiver.

Words sting the worst.
Your hands like ice.
Things get so bad.
Teeth to lower lip.
Quiver Quiver.

I'm sick of having to make decisions, big ones.
If I were any more indecisive, I would go blind because I wouldn't be able to decide when to blink.
Seriously, it's bad. I never know what to do.
Unless it's a split second decision, like if I have time to think about, I freak out.
I almost had a freak out in the middle of class today about IB

This is a problem.

happy.

such a good mood,
wait it out and things will improve;;

shit.

5 cups of disappointment
2 tbsp of guilt
4 tsp of hurt
+ 1 pinch of hate
____________
me right now.


I was more excited than anything, my mom finally agreed to let me get my lip pierced.
Its all I've been thinking about, I couldn't wait.
My mom picks me up from antonio's and asks if I want McDonalds or if I've already eaten, ice cream instead.
At first I didn't think of it, I thought she was just happy because my dad said she could go ahead and cash-in his child support check.
Then we get to McDonalds and sit down to eat and whatnot.
She starts off with the whole "I have something to talk to you about, don't interrupt, let me just get through this. Let me speak"
First thoughts: Oh god, what'd I get caught for.
In short terms, she explained that my dad called her at work today, and told her that he thought it was weird that after the first time I asked him about the lip ring, I gave up. He wanted to know if she had agreed to it and just not told him.
My mom didn't tell him she said yes, she just told him that she said she'd think about it.
He went on to explain all this stuff and how he has basically let my mom raise us, and doesn't ask for much, but if she let me do this, then she had no regard for his feelings.
She pointed out to me how much he does for us, how he gives us spending money all the time, and lets my mom cash the check early, and trusts her to do what she should.
I reminded her that all of these things had to do with money, and he didn't have a choice but to let my mom raise us, that money didn't count.
She went on to explain that my mom and him got in such a heated argument her boss told her to leave until she got off the phone because she was disturbing everyone.

For some reason, it's extremely important to my dad that I don't get a lip ring. He's afraid of how people will view me, and all this stuff. Bottom line: He really is against it.

Maybe I should do it anyways.

My mom said it would screw up our family dynamics if she let me despite my dad, whatever the hell she means by that.

I just think it's strange that this little piece of metal can be such a big deal, but I feel completely horrible for making my parents get completely evil with each other and stressing my mom out so bad. She said my dad was close to tears, which seems like an exaggeration, but with this family, I wouldn't doubt it. She said all the negative feelings back from the divorce came pouring out.

Either way, my mom feels awful, and she's offering to let me get an expensive haircut, a mani-pedi, and all these things [beginning with the McDonald's].



I told her not to bother.

no need to over analyze.

It's cold outside there.
It's cold inside here.
but inside this soul, I feel warm.

Things are good.
I'm happy, I really am.

I have big decisions to make and I thought that if I straightened out everything else in my life, the answers would fall right in my lap. I thought if everything was good, I would know what to do.
But I was wrong.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with being wrong.
Life isn't going anywhere fast,
Decisions don't need to be made right now,
I gotta just live this life,
it's the only one I've got.

Sure, things aren't perfect, but they're good,
and nothing's ever gonna be picture perfect,
and I'm okay with that now,
I really am.

Quite frankly,
I spend too much time thinking about how everything is not alright.
And I know I shouldn't ignore things,
but I can't obsess either.
No more obsessing.


:]

Discard.

The fray.
is
Awesome.

They sing my life.

Sick, again.

I'm sick,
even though i just got better like a week and a half ago.
but now I'm a different kind of sick,
whatever.

My mom is paranoid, she says my health is getting so "fragile"
I think she's overreacting, but I guess that's her job.
She's making me quit baton twirling until I'm less "unstable"
It's pretty dumb.
Since when have "fragile" and "unstable" been words to describe me?
She also said, "You do too much, if you have a busy friday and saturday, then your sunday is going to be spent at home, policy effective immediately. Not up for negotiation."
Who actually talks like that?

I keep getting headaches though, like everyday, even when I'm not sick. Maybe I'm not taking good enough care of myself.
My mom also thinks that I shouldn't do the IB program anymore because she says my emotional and physical health are too closely related.
Basically it's because whenever I get really stressed out I get sick. She says that I'm mentally ready for IB, like for the workload, but she's not sure if I can handle the stressload.
I don't know.
My mom may not think it, but when she actually gives me advice, I take it into consideration, because it's usually at least partly useful.

It's strange how interconnected everything is.

But the weird thing is, I haven't been stressed out recently as far as school goes, so I don't know why I keep getting sick. I don't think it's just stress, I think it also involves my happiness and stuff.

I guess I was kind of in a rough patch as far as my emotional state, which may relate to the sickness, but things are better now, for the most part. You probably didn't even guess anything was wrong, I'm not very open about this kind of stuff.


When people think depression, they think that you're sitting around crying all day, or never smiling.
It's not necessarily constant complete unhappiness, it's more of an overall dulling of your life, like you've all the sudden gotten on the lazy river when you've been riding the Superman, 80 miles an hour, thrill coaster all day. All you can think about is how you want to get back on the Superman, but you're stuck floating in an inner tube.
That's the only way I can think to explain it.
It's like always in the back of your mind, even when you're laughing. Even when you're dancing. Even when you're sleeping, it visits you in your dreams,
which is soo unfair.

But don't freak out about me,
I hate to make people worry about me.
I'm really doing better, okay?
I'm not saying I'm perfect,
but I'm better.
I promise.

act one.

do you ever feel like your life is just a tv. show?
Like you're just playing a part, saying what should be said, doing what your script tells you to.
A director is off screen reminding you that "you're supposed to be really happy right now," or, "you seem too tense for this scene, calm down."
Some unseen writer is typing out the words on your script, moments before you're supposed to say them. A costume designer is picking your outfits for tomorrow. Your boss is signing a check, you're just doing it for the pay.
Everything is set and happens as it should, but none of its yours.
You're just an actor.

more poetry.

When the knots are coming undone,
the ends are more than just frayed.
The stains will cling forever to this,
These bleaching attempts just proves their permanence.
To ignore these stains and tearing edges,
would be to ignore the pain
Give it up, and throw it away,
it will never return to it's original glory.
Some things weren't meant to be.

wants.
to be happy.
to be hugged.
to be heard.
to be held.
to be hated
to be loved.

Inspiration strikes at the most random time.
I am putting this poem on here, I was on my way home from baton twirling, listening to my ipod in rachael's car, when it hit me.
So I typed out the whole thing on a note on my phone, lol.

Hands
Grabbing, grasping, reaching.
To take every inch of me.
To have every bone, muscle, and organ, big and small.
To own everything I have ever felt
Everything right down to my heart, awaiting it's demise.


Yeah,
I actually changed it a little, so it's better now.

The end.

No theme

Things are good.