Good.

Things are so much better. I'm not doing IB, which means I won't get to see some of the people I love as much, but I won't have to deal with leaving my best friends just yet.  

I'm really happy right now. I feel so relieved, I didn't realize how stressed out I was about IB until I let it go. I feel like the world's been lifted off my shoulders, and everything else just seems possible. I can do this.

First things first, I MUST clean my room, I might even start today, it's so awful, I can't deal with it. There's all of this crap. I'm having a "Walden" moment and all of this shit is driving me insane. I want it all gone.

I feel the need to type and type and just type forever. I can't do this. All of everything is so overwhelming, I'm going to regret posting this. But I can't take it. Do you ever feel that way? Like everything is just crushing you and you want to scream. That everything in the world is so damn pointless, or at least everything in your life is. I want to get rid of all of this shit, all of my life shit. Everything crowding me away, hiding me from the happiness that childhood knew so well. All this drama, all this everything. All the decisions, that Walden guy was right, you just need to simplify to find happiness. Its so true. All of the shit surrounding me means nothing. I love the people I love, and that's it. Suppressing feelings doesn't help you at all. We all hide so much, just to stop from hurting people, to keep things crystal clear because no one likes to be told they're wrong. No one likes to know they've failed. People cover it all up and blanket the truth. It isn't healthy, but in the world of today there's nothing else we can do, you can't just say whatever you think. Society's norms keeps us from being us. Well just because you burn it, doesn't mean the ashes don't cry the truth.

The room is spinning.
These hearts are falling.
Things get so bad.
Tears fall so hard.
Shiver Shiver.

Words sting the worst.
Your hands like ice.
Things get so bad.
Teeth to lower lip.
Quiver Quiver.

I'm sick of having to make decisions, big ones.
If I were any more indecisive, I would go blind because I wouldn't be able to decide when to blink.
Seriously, it's bad. I never know what to do.
Unless it's a split second decision, like if I have time to think about, I freak out.
I almost had a freak out in the middle of class today about IB

This is a problem.

happy.

such a good mood,
wait it out and things will improve;;

shit.

5 cups of disappointment
2 tbsp of guilt
4 tsp of hurt
+ 1 pinch of hate
____________
me right now.


I was more excited than anything, my mom finally agreed to let me get my lip pierced.
Its all I've been thinking about, I couldn't wait.
My mom picks me up from antonio's and asks if I want McDonalds or if I've already eaten, ice cream instead.
At first I didn't think of it, I thought she was just happy because my dad said she could go ahead and cash-in his child support check.
Then we get to McDonalds and sit down to eat and whatnot.
She starts off with the whole "I have something to talk to you about, don't interrupt, let me just get through this. Let me speak"
First thoughts: Oh god, what'd I get caught for.
In short terms, she explained that my dad called her at work today, and told her that he thought it was weird that after the first time I asked him about the lip ring, I gave up. He wanted to know if she had agreed to it and just not told him.
My mom didn't tell him she said yes, she just told him that she said she'd think about it.
He went on to explain all this stuff and how he has basically let my mom raise us, and doesn't ask for much, but if she let me do this, then she had no regard for his feelings.
She pointed out to me how much he does for us, how he gives us spending money all the time, and lets my mom cash the check early, and trusts her to do what she should.
I reminded her that all of these things had to do with money, and he didn't have a choice but to let my mom raise us, that money didn't count.
She went on to explain that my mom and him got in such a heated argument her boss told her to leave until she got off the phone because she was disturbing everyone.

For some reason, it's extremely important to my dad that I don't get a lip ring. He's afraid of how people will view me, and all this stuff. Bottom line: He really is against it.

Maybe I should do it anyways.

My mom said it would screw up our family dynamics if she let me despite my dad, whatever the hell she means by that.

I just think it's strange that this little piece of metal can be such a big deal, but I feel completely horrible for making my parents get completely evil with each other and stressing my mom out so bad. She said my dad was close to tears, which seems like an exaggeration, but with this family, I wouldn't doubt it. She said all the negative feelings back from the divorce came pouring out.

Either way, my mom feels awful, and she's offering to let me get an expensive haircut, a mani-pedi, and all these things [beginning with the McDonald's].



I told her not to bother.

no need to over analyze.

It's cold outside there.
It's cold inside here.
but inside this soul, I feel warm.

Things are good.
I'm happy, I really am.

I have big decisions to make and I thought that if I straightened out everything else in my life, the answers would fall right in my lap. I thought if everything was good, I would know what to do.
But I was wrong.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with being wrong.
Life isn't going anywhere fast,
Decisions don't need to be made right now,
I gotta just live this life,
it's the only one I've got.

Sure, things aren't perfect, but they're good,
and nothing's ever gonna be picture perfect,
and I'm okay with that now,
I really am.

Quite frankly,
I spend too much time thinking about how everything is not alright.
And I know I shouldn't ignore things,
but I can't obsess either.
No more obsessing.


:]

Discard.

The fray.
is
Awesome.

They sing my life.

Sick, again.

I'm sick,
even though i just got better like a week and a half ago.
but now I'm a different kind of sick,
whatever.

My mom is paranoid, she says my health is getting so "fragile"
I think she's overreacting, but I guess that's her job.
She's making me quit baton twirling until I'm less "unstable"
It's pretty dumb.
Since when have "fragile" and "unstable" been words to describe me?
She also said, "You do too much, if you have a busy friday and saturday, then your sunday is going to be spent at home, policy effective immediately. Not up for negotiation."
Who actually talks like that?

I keep getting headaches though, like everyday, even when I'm not sick. Maybe I'm not taking good enough care of myself.
My mom also thinks that I shouldn't do the IB program anymore because she says my emotional and physical health are too closely related.
Basically it's because whenever I get really stressed out I get sick. She says that I'm mentally ready for IB, like for the workload, but she's not sure if I can handle the stressload.
I don't know.
My mom may not think it, but when she actually gives me advice, I take it into consideration, because it's usually at least partly useful.

It's strange how interconnected everything is.

But the weird thing is, I haven't been stressed out recently as far as school goes, so I don't know why I keep getting sick. I don't think it's just stress, I think it also involves my happiness and stuff.

I guess I was kind of in a rough patch as far as my emotional state, which may relate to the sickness, but things are better now, for the most part. You probably didn't even guess anything was wrong, I'm not very open about this kind of stuff.


When people think depression, they think that you're sitting around crying all day, or never smiling.
It's not necessarily constant complete unhappiness, it's more of an overall dulling of your life, like you've all the sudden gotten on the lazy river when you've been riding the Superman, 80 miles an hour, thrill coaster all day. All you can think about is how you want to get back on the Superman, but you're stuck floating in an inner tube.
That's the only way I can think to explain it.
It's like always in the back of your mind, even when you're laughing. Even when you're dancing. Even when you're sleeping, it visits you in your dreams,
which is soo unfair.

But don't freak out about me,
I hate to make people worry about me.
I'm really doing better, okay?
I'm not saying I'm perfect,
but I'm better.
I promise.

act one.

do you ever feel like your life is just a tv. show?
Like you're just playing a part, saying what should be said, doing what your script tells you to.
A director is off screen reminding you that "you're supposed to be really happy right now," or, "you seem too tense for this scene, calm down."
Some unseen writer is typing out the words on your script, moments before you're supposed to say them. A costume designer is picking your outfits for tomorrow. Your boss is signing a check, you're just doing it for the pay.
Everything is set and happens as it should, but none of its yours.
You're just an actor.

more poetry.

When the knots are coming undone,
the ends are more than just frayed.
The stains will cling forever to this,
These bleaching attempts just proves their permanence.
To ignore these stains and tearing edges,
would be to ignore the pain
Give it up, and throw it away,
it will never return to it's original glory.
Some things weren't meant to be.

wants.
to be happy.
to be hugged.
to be heard.
to be held.
to be hated
to be loved.

Inspiration strikes at the most random time.
I am putting this poem on here, I was on my way home from baton twirling, listening to my ipod in rachael's car, when it hit me.
So I typed out the whole thing on a note on my phone, lol.

Hands
Grabbing, grasping, reaching.
To take every inch of me.
To have every bone, muscle, and organ, big and small.
To own everything I have ever felt
Everything right down to my heart, awaiting it's demise.


Yeah,
I actually changed it a little, so it's better now.

The end.

No theme

Things are good.