I haven't cried in front of my mom in a long long time.
Or at least, idk.
But I was crying a minute ago, and I didn't realize how loud it was.
And she comes slamming on my door, then bursts in.
m:What's wrong?
a:and i turn my head away, in shame.
m:Were you just crying?
a:No, of course not [wiping my eyes]
m:Yes you were, did you and antonio have a fight?
a:No, I'm fine, leave me alone.
m:I'm not leaving this room until you tell me what's wrong.
a:No.
m:You don't get to go to bed till you did.
a:It's nothing.
m:Allison I heard you from the hall.
a:it's just that..
so yeah, it went from there.
It was really embarrassing.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the other two.
view the previous post for the first poem.
these are the other two.
A boy so small,
on the inside, that's it.
Lost in these walls,
through no holes he can fit.
Afraid and ascared,
if only he understood.
There's someone who cared,
but thing's aren't that good.
The boy so small,
lost as can be.
He can't even see,
past his own eyes.
the future he knows,
lies up in the skies.
so shiny the blade.
so thick the red blood.
Goodnight little boy,
goodnight my love.
kind of dark, but it's gotta be.
the third poem was brought about by a discussion in sociology about this news story:
Friday, February 21, 26-year-old Kenzie Marie Houk was apparently shot to death by her 11-year-old stepson in their Pennsylvania farmhouse. She was eight months pregnant.
these are the other two.
A boy so small,
on the inside, that's it.
Lost in these walls,
through no holes he can fit.
Afraid and ascared,
if only he understood.
There's someone who cared,
but thing's aren't that good.
The boy so small,
lost as can be.
He can't even see,
past his own eyes.
the future he knows,
lies up in the skies.
so shiny the blade.
so thick the red blood.
Goodnight little boy,
goodnight my love.
kind of dark, but it's gotta be.
the third poem was brought about by a discussion in sociology about this news story:
Friday, February 21, 26-year-old Kenzie Marie Houk was apparently shot to death by her 11-year-old stepson in their Pennsylvania farmhouse. She was eight months pregnant.
According to CNN the shooting with a youth shotgun is not suspected to be accidental. Houk's seven-year-old daughter implicated her stepbrother in the murder. The boy, whose last name is Brown, will be charged as an adult under Pennsylvania law. Currently, there is no clear motive for the crime. However, sibling jealously has been suspected.
here it is:
She tried her best,
her very hardest.
It was never enough.
Slow steps down the stairs.
Seventeen, counted.
Cold metal, feels so secure.
Goodbye mother,
you deserve this.
you deserve it all.
not very good, i'll admit it.
oh well, tell me what you think
today at school
today was nice, I think.
I don't really remember anything in particular about it.
But i wrote two poems on my new lil phone today [he's so handy]
woah, jk i wrote three.
i dont really like any of them that much.
one's about a friend of mine, another of things, and the third of something I heard.
one:
Her love for him was infinite.
His love for her was never ending.
She cried,
as did he.
With a love so powerful,
words couldn't even hold.
Tears of sorrow, tears of joy.
Tears that everything must end.
Every moment meant one less second.
Every breath meant one less heartbeat.
His only reason for existence,
The only way she could survive.
So she held on tight.
as did he.
Couldn't bear to let go.
Couldn't bear the chance of loss.
So she cried,
as did he.
Because the end is always coming,
until it hits down, hard.
jk im only giving the first one, ill post the others later.
just think about this one right now,
i dont wanna overwhelm you.
I don't really remember anything in particular about it.
But i wrote two poems on my new lil phone today [he's so handy]
woah, jk i wrote three.
i dont really like any of them that much.
one's about a friend of mine, another of things, and the third of something I heard.
one:
Her love for him was infinite.
His love for her was never ending.
She cried,
as did he.
With a love so powerful,
words couldn't even hold.
Tears of sorrow, tears of joy.
Tears that everything must end.
Every moment meant one less second.
Every breath meant one less heartbeat.
His only reason for existence,
The only way she could survive.
So she held on tight.
as did he.
Couldn't bear to let go.
Couldn't bear the chance of loss.
So she cried,
as did he.
Because the end is always coming,
until it hits down, hard.
jk im only giving the first one, ill post the others later.
just think about this one right now,
i dont wanna overwhelm you.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
well this is my 2nd post in 5 minutes
I fear the unknown.
I'm afraid of what I don't know.
what's beyond my line of vision,
out of my hearing range.
Or whats hiding in my darkest shadows.
The lies trembling behind every corner.
just waiting to be found.
I fear the unknown.
The future, what's coming tomorrow.
the life ahead of me, uncertainty.
the happenings in my horizons.
I fear the unknown.
What may be gathering behind
those teary eyes of yours.
what cries your mouth shuts in.
what fists your arms hold back.
let it out.
I fear the unknown.
ps. im one fourth asleep.
I'm afraid of what I don't know.
what's beyond my line of vision,
out of my hearing range.
Or whats hiding in my darkest shadows.
The lies trembling behind every corner.
just waiting to be found.
I fear the unknown.
The future, what's coming tomorrow.
the life ahead of me, uncertainty.
the happenings in my horizons.
I fear the unknown.
What may be gathering behind
those teary eyes of yours.
what cries your mouth shuts in.
what fists your arms hold back.
let it out.
I fear the unknown.
ps. im one fourth asleep.
I'm fifteen years old.
I can't believe myself sometimes.
I mean, I guess it's kind of expected.
I've always seemed to do stuff early.
I walked at nine months.
Read by three
Dated early (whatever you can call middle school relationships)
and now this.
I guess it doesn't surprise me.
You think I'd be freaking out.
I thought I'd be freaking out.
But I'm not.
I'm surprisingly okay with it :)
Life's good.
I just have a permanent exclamation point above my head, like omg! in some sort of old video game where they show their emotions with giant symbols over their head, cause the graphics aren't high-tech yet to define their faces well.
I was about to go to sleep when iI jumped up to write this blog,
that always happens to me.
okay, well i'm done now.
goodnight.
I can't believe myself sometimes.
I mean, I guess it's kind of expected.
I've always seemed to do stuff early.
I walked at nine months.
Read by three
Dated early (whatever you can call middle school relationships)
and now this.
I guess it doesn't surprise me.
You think I'd be freaking out.
I thought I'd be freaking out.
But I'm not.
I'm surprisingly okay with it :)
Life's good.
I just have a permanent exclamation point above my head, like omg! in some sort of old video game where they show their emotions with giant symbols over their head, cause the graphics aren't high-tech yet to define their faces well.
I was about to go to sleep when iI jumped up to write this blog,
that always happens to me.
okay, well i'm done now.
goodnight.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
sometimes im not even sure what i mean.
back in fourth grade, mary was asked a question.
a question from a hopeful young Mrs. Smith:
"what do you like, child?" she asked.
Mary lied "I love bike rides," knowing her brothers loved them.
And that was that.
sophomore year in highschool, mary was asked a question.
a question from a sad eyed Jack.
"what do you like, sweetheart?" he asked.
Mary said "Bike rides," not paying attention to her words.
And that wasn't it.
young mother, mary was asked a question.
a question from a curious daughter.
"what do you like, mommy?" she asked.
Mary said, "Bike rides, let's take one together," the correct answer, she knew.
And that was what it was.
senile ma'am, mary was asked a question.
a question from a doleful relative.
"what do you like, grandmother?" he asked.
Mary said, "I've never liked bike rides," and she knew it was true.
and that was it.
and she cried.
and she cried.
a question from a hopeful young Mrs. Smith:
"what do you like, child?" she asked.
Mary lied "I love bike rides," knowing her brothers loved them.
And that was that.
sophomore year in highschool, mary was asked a question.
a question from a sad eyed Jack.
"what do you like, sweetheart?" he asked.
Mary said "Bike rides," not paying attention to her words.
And that wasn't it.
young mother, mary was asked a question.
a question from a curious daughter.
"what do you like, mommy?" she asked.
Mary said, "Bike rides, let's take one together," the correct answer, she knew.
And that was what it was.
senile ma'am, mary was asked a question.
a question from a doleful relative.
"what do you like, grandmother?" he asked.
Mary said, "I've never liked bike rides," and she knew it was true.
and that was it.
and she cried.
and she cried.
wow..
what a weekend.
so much happened, I'm not gonna go into specifics but the whole thing was very...surreal.
the best part was:
kate, rachael, and I in her car, with certain songs playing by avril lavigne:
runaway.
everything back but you.
hot.
my happy ending.
it reminded me of the perks of being a wallflower.
Driving in the car, with the music so loud you can't even hear yourself think,
yeah, I felt infinite,
and I'm pretty sure they did too.
I wanted to thank kate for being an awesome friend when I needed her, she knows what I mean.
Things that happened on friday, were so long ago, it feels like years.
This weeked had some of the highest ups and downs I've had in a while.
down on friday.
up on saturday.
down then up on sunday.
up then down on monday.
wow.
so much happened, I'm not gonna go into specifics but the whole thing was very...surreal.
the best part was:
kate, rachael, and I in her car, with certain songs playing by avril lavigne:
runaway.
everything back but you.
hot.
my happy ending.
it reminded me of the perks of being a wallflower.
Driving in the car, with the music so loud you can't even hear yourself think,
yeah, I felt infinite,
and I'm pretty sure they did too.
I wanted to thank kate for being an awesome friend when I needed her, she knows what I mean.
Things that happened on friday, were so long ago, it feels like years.
This weeked had some of the highest ups and downs I've had in a while.
down on friday.
up on saturday.
down then up on sunday.
up then down on monday.
wow.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
my feet stink.
I woke up this morning to my mother standing in my doorway, trying to convince my kitty to get me out of bed. Kiska just kept meowing.
I spent a long time deciding the details of my outfit this morning, but eventually figured it out [after about 238129038 combinations]
The day went on as usual, chemistry, latin, etc..
If I could remember more specifics, I would tell you, but school was mostly a blur.
Except for the fact that I received a couple of comments regarding my outfit today.
My latin teacher just stared, then went on to apologize and say something I can't exactly remember about the brightness of my clothing.
As I walked into sixth period, Mr.Denney said that he never knows what to expect to find me wearing when I walk in the room. The teacher next to him just said I had a very creative and unique style [or something like that].
Either way, it made me feel even more comfortable in my own skin.
To add to the list, in seventh period, sociology, we did an exercise where we wrote down what we believed we were, then had a piece of paper stuck to our backs, and everyone proceeded to write what they thought of each other on their friend's backs.
I got a bunch of nices, sweets, etc.
Expected, right?
Not saying I'm that outstandingly nice or anything, but thats what you expect everyone to write when they don't know you very well.
My friend told me I was very different, but then made sure to explain that I understood he meant in a good way. I told him not to worry about it.
I don't feel that different,
well sometimes I do.
but anyways...
When I got off the bus, I was so glad to get home and put on some pjs :).
I made scrambled eggbeaters [yum yum?], a bowl of cereal, and some chocolate milk mix stuff [the hot choco mix with cold milk, a combo everyone claims disgusting, until they try it].
Then I ate it while watching the King of Queens, and realized that I just had a ton of dairy, and felt very full.
I found my yoga booty ballet [live!] hiphop abs video, and stuck the dvd into my computer. It was very peppy and fun, but I had to take a break 20ish minutes into it, I just couldn't handle it.
After the video was over, I decided to take a walk to chill out before I did my homework.
I grabbed my ipod and phone, and began to walk around my street.
I turned on copeland [still hadn't really listened to them much, even though mike had suggested]
I walked around the street, and up to the golf course. I felt the random compulsion to sit on the course. I took a seat on the grass pinestraw mixture up on a hill, changed my mind, and found a spot under a tree.
I just sat there [I even turned my ipod off after a minute] and thought. I don't clearly remember what I thought about, but I stared at the way all the prickly leave things on the branch in front of me stuck out in all different directions, begging for sunlight, reaching up like little arms.
I had zoned out on the horizon until a woman talking on her porch, at a nearby house, brought me back to reality.
I got up and walked home, well actually, about halfway home I felt the impulse [the ones I can't help but follow] to run as fast as I could. Which I did, for about 100 yards.
Then I ran out of breath.
I really need to get in shape.
I'm still listening to copeland, they're good [go mike!]
But now I must go do homework [although I'm not sure what yet].
I'm content. :]
Thanks for reading.
I spent a long time deciding the details of my outfit this morning, but eventually figured it out [after about 238129038 combinations]
The day went on as usual, chemistry, latin, etc..
If I could remember more specifics, I would tell you, but school was mostly a blur.
Except for the fact that I received a couple of comments regarding my outfit today.
My latin teacher just stared, then went on to apologize and say something I can't exactly remember about the brightness of my clothing.
As I walked into sixth period, Mr.Denney said that he never knows what to expect to find me wearing when I walk in the room. The teacher next to him just said I had a very creative and unique style [or something like that].
Either way, it made me feel even more comfortable in my own skin.
To add to the list, in seventh period, sociology, we did an exercise where we wrote down what we believed we were, then had a piece of paper stuck to our backs, and everyone proceeded to write what they thought of each other on their friend's backs.
I got a bunch of nices, sweets, etc.
Expected, right?
Not saying I'm that outstandingly nice or anything, but thats what you expect everyone to write when they don't know you very well.
My friend told me I was very different, but then made sure to explain that I understood he meant in a good way. I told him not to worry about it.
I don't feel that different,
well sometimes I do.
but anyways...
When I got off the bus, I was so glad to get home and put on some pjs :).
I made scrambled eggbeaters [yum yum?], a bowl of cereal, and some chocolate milk mix stuff [the hot choco mix with cold milk, a combo everyone claims disgusting, until they try it].
Then I ate it while watching the King of Queens, and realized that I just had a ton of dairy, and felt very full.
I found my yoga booty ballet [live!] hiphop abs video, and stuck the dvd into my computer. It was very peppy and fun, but I had to take a break 20ish minutes into it, I just couldn't handle it.
After the video was over, I decided to take a walk to chill out before I did my homework.
I grabbed my ipod and phone, and began to walk around my street.
I turned on copeland [still hadn't really listened to them much, even though mike had suggested]
I walked around the street, and up to the golf course. I felt the random compulsion to sit on the course. I took a seat on the grass pinestraw mixture up on a hill, changed my mind, and found a spot under a tree.
I just sat there [I even turned my ipod off after a minute] and thought. I don't clearly remember what I thought about, but I stared at the way all the prickly leave things on the branch in front of me stuck out in all different directions, begging for sunlight, reaching up like little arms.
I had zoned out on the horizon until a woman talking on her porch, at a nearby house, brought me back to reality.
I got up and walked home, well actually, about halfway home I felt the impulse [the ones I can't help but follow] to run as fast as I could. Which I did, for about 100 yards.
Then I ran out of breath.
I really need to get in shape.
I'm still listening to copeland, they're good [go mike!]
But now I must go do homework [although I'm not sure what yet].
I'm content. :]
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Last night, my boyfriend of almost seven months, broke up with me or as he says “take a break”
I couldn’t stop crying last night or this morning and I just wanted to thank all of my friends for being there for me.
He wants to get back together with me, and quite frankly I have no idea what I want right now.
So after he did what he did, I was so upset my hands were shaking when I wrote this poem, I kept messing up.
I’m actually not very proud of this poem, it’s not very good.
It’s very straightforward, and repetitive, like a 90’s pop song kinda.
Here it is:
Am I the only one that hurts?
These tears falling from my eyes.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
I can't breathe here.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I can't breathe.
I can't live without you.
Our song on my ipod, full volume.
Screams the words you once said to me.
Screams the words you once meant.
I love you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I can't do this alone.
I can't do this without you.
I can't live.
Shut up song.
Shut the fuck up, I don't need you.
Fuck that stupid jerk, I don't need you.
I'm lying.
I love you so damn much.
I really do.
You don't feel the same.
I'm dying.
You don't care.
I'm dying.
It doesn't matter to you.
Why is this song still playing?
I can't take it.
It makes me shake.
Makes me cry.
Makes me feel more alone than ever.
Makes me want nothing but you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I hope that helps you understand how much this boy means to me.
hell, i couldn't even keep it together at school today.
:/
leave me commments.
I couldn’t stop crying last night or this morning and I just wanted to thank all of my friends for being there for me.
He wants to get back together with me, and quite frankly I have no idea what I want right now.
So after he did what he did, I was so upset my hands were shaking when I wrote this poem, I kept messing up.
I’m actually not very proud of this poem, it’s not very good.
It’s very straightforward, and repetitive, like a 90’s pop song kinda.
Here it is:
Am I the only one that hurts?
These tears falling from my eyes.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
I can't breathe here.
I can't live without you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I can't breathe.
I can't live without you.
Our song on my ipod, full volume.
Screams the words you once said to me.
Screams the words you once meant.
I love you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I can't do this alone.
I can't do this without you.
I can't live.
Shut up song.
Shut the fuck up, I don't need you.
Fuck that stupid jerk, I don't need you.
I'm lying.
I love you so damn much.
I really do.
You don't feel the same.
I'm dying.
You don't care.
I'm dying.
It doesn't matter to you.
Why is this song still playing?
I can't take it.
It makes me shake.
Makes me cry.
Makes me feel more alone than ever.
Makes me want nothing but you.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
You don't feel the same.
I hope that helps you understand how much this boy means to me.
hell, i couldn't even keep it together at school today.
:/
leave me commments.
Monday, February 2, 2009
So sick
I’m so sick of fucking up.
Where’s my rule book? How the hell am I supposed to know how to live this life if there aren’t any instructions?
I hate fucking up.
I’m just so afraid of hurting things.
I just don’t want to see things end.
I can’t take this all.
I feel paranoid.
I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me when you read this,
all of you.
Will you find me crazy?
Maybe a tad melodramatic?
Stupid?
Whatever.
This song is all that can take screaming in my head.
[the only thing keeping me sane]
Little house by the Fray.
She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works
Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all aboutSomething is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
I’m interested to hear what you think this song means, not to me specifically, but to you or to anyone for that matter.
Sorry.
ps.
this made me feel better.
that's why i blog, that's why I need to do this.
Once it’s on here, out of my head and onto the web, I don’t have to think about it anymore, it’s not mine.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
todaytoday
This post is going to be pretty light, I'm in a pretty light mood.
So, kate helped me rearrange my furniture [take some apart too] and clean out my room.
And I thank her greatly.
I LOVE YOU KATE
Today, Kate, Mike, and I had a photo shoot, with mr. mike as our photographer. His skills are amazing, and even though I make some sillylooking faces, He still rocks.
www.mikemags.net <----copy and paste that into your little box at the top, you know you want to :]
I LOVE YOU MIKE.
this weekend has been fun.
sigh, now I have much homework to do, which also involves watching the three musketeers, which I really dislike, it has no plot as far as I can see.
:P peaceout.
So, kate helped me rearrange my furniture [take some apart too] and clean out my room.
And I thank her greatly.
I LOVE YOU KATE
Today, Kate, Mike, and I had a photo shoot, with mr. mike as our photographer. His skills are amazing, and even though I make some sillylooking faces, He still rocks.
www.mikemags.net <----copy and paste that into your little box at the top, you know you want to :]
I LOVE YOU MIKE.
this weekend has been fun.
sigh, now I have much homework to do, which also involves watching the three musketeers, which I really dislike, it has no plot as far as I can see.
:P peaceout.
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