I'm so fucking pissed.

Children please excuse my language in the following blog.

I'm just so pissed off.
My parents wouldn't let me get my lip pierced before, my mom was gonna allow it but my dad nixed it, so I gave up.
I tried to go for a compromise, a tongue piercing, which isn't NEARLY as cool, but I'd deal with it.
So I explain it to my mom, and she's okay with it, so long as my dad is.
And so I explain to him my compromise and he just says "no."

I'm trying to express my individuality in this world of conformity and all he can say is...no.
I was so. pissed.
And when we finally stopped arguing about it and get off the phone [he told me he was done talking about it..wtf.], he calls my mom.
And she doesn't even stand up for me!
They are both apparently worried that if I start doing stuff like getting piercings, I will act out.
When my mom came into my room to talk to me about it, I started flipping out. I was like yelling and shit and I was so angry my eyes were tearing up.

Its not even the fact that I can't get the lip ring, or tongue piercing, it's the principle of the thing.
Do you know how much my brother has fucked up?
No, of course you don't.
Well he has.
A lot in the past.
And he still does, they just don't know it.
Yet he stays out all night, they don't know where he is, he's failing classes and is a douchebag and still does and says whatever the fuck he wants.
they say it's cause he's eighteen.
but this has been going on since he was my age.
I get good grades, rarely get in trouble, and always feel guilty if I'm even bitchy to my mom.
And what do I get? One big slap in the face.
What I tried to explain to my mom is the less freedom she gives me, the more I'm going to act out to get it.
I told her that.
Then she tried to guilt trip me and stuff and I told her to shut up because guilting isn't gonna work, she's being completely unfair.
So she started apologizing a bunch, about the divorce, about everything.
She said she's tried to let me do what I want, like baton twirling and soccer and such.
And i was like well i can't anymore cause we're too poor.
She said we probably wouldn't be so poor if she hadn't let me in the first place.
So it's my fault we're broke now?
Thanks mom, thanks.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I like how this seems.
Can we keep these seams together?
Because it seems you're okay.
are you okay?

hide these feelings.
i don't want to know the truth.
can't i live in a sandbox?
can't i live in toyland.
little girl and boy land.
they'll say we're okay.
as we dance and play.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I like how this seems.
Can we keep these seams together?
Because it seems you're okay.
please be okay.

clog your ears with cotton candy
fill your mouth with butterscotch.
don't let out a single peep
or i might have to pop.
we'll grin in joy for all the sweets
they'll say that we're okay.
as we dance and play.

stomping on in
these big bully boys.
they crash on through these dreams.
steal our candy
break the toys
and rip things at the seems.
that's how it seems.

They say that nothing's what it seems.
But I liked how this seemed
We couldn't keep these seems together
though you seemed okay.
are you okay?
you're not okay.
i'm not okay.


^ i just wrote this song
maybe it seems silly on here
and it kind of is when i sing it.
but its kind of meant to be light and airy.
hmmmm

Part one:

sometimes,
i fuck up.

sometimes,
you fuck up.

call me a fuck up?
we're all fucked up,

sometimes.


i was debating on whether or not to post this poem
it has a lot of cusing, but it's kind of there for the play on words,
if it makes any sense.

part two:
this kinda looks like a poem, but its not, hah.

do you ever want to be held?
i feel like that right now.
i need arms around me,
someone there, to know I'm not alone.
I'm not alone, am I?
Sometimes it just feels that way.
No one wants to be there for eachother.
But everyone needs someone,
to care for them.
But that means someone has to do the caring.
Should I be the caretaker or the cared-for.
I'm usually the caretaker,
but someone has to take the position, right?

I'm not making sense.

This house feels lonely,
where's my cat?

well.

Part One:
This past week has by far been the most crazy.
So much has happened.

And quite frankly I've made a lot of stupid choices.

There was an incident last night, one which I'm not going to go into detail about.
But anyways,
It really scared me, Idk about the other people,
but I was really freaked out, frazzled was the word I used.
I don't know why it was like that, but it kind of just added to all the other stuff spinning around in my head and it made me feel so out of control.

I felt like I didn't have a hold on life anymore.
My room's a mess.
My life reflects it.

I just, Idk.
I can't really explain myself.

It's like, I feel like I keep messing up.
like I keep doing everything wrong, and it's coming back and biting me on the ass.

Do you know that feeling?

Thank god for antonio [my bf] last night.
I felt so guilty because earlier that day I was bitching at him for not being able to hang out with me and blah blah blah.
And then I got a text message last night, soon after the incident, when we thought the car had broken down, that read oh yea happy eight months baby.
and I had forgotten.
I felt so awful, and was worried he'd be upset.
I was freaking out so bad, after walking in the house to see my brother, his fiance, and my mom all sitting in the kitchen. They all had no idea at all. I'm not sure why that bothered me so much, but it did.
So I got on the phone with antonio, and I started explaining everything that had happened; I was talking so fast and rushed that I was stuttering, and my words kept toppling over eachother.
He just listened.
He didn't mention the eight months thing, he didn't get angry.
he just listened, even though, I then found out, that he was at a bonfire with his best friend.
He told me I needed to calm down.
He told me to go take a hot bath with some hot tea and just relax cause he could tell I was still freaking.
I said okay.
He told me to call him if I needed him, even though he was out.
I told him I'd be okay.
He was like, no even if you think you need to talk to me in the slightest bit, call. please?
I told him I would.

It made me feel better that someone really cared.


Part two:

Today is saturday.
I'm going to a funeral, I've never been to a funeral before.
I'm scared.
I'm not sure of what, but I'm scared.
Is this weird?

we're not falling in love

we're just falling apart.

-fer sure-
the medic droid.


so true.
Sometimes I feel like we are just falling apart.
Everything.
How are people supposed to muster up any happiness when all goes wrong?
How can you be happy when there's so much sad surrounding you?
What if you don't want to be happy.
Things are just falling apart.

This week, so many awful things have happened,
and I really can't think of a single good thing.

This vase
once like ocean waters
shined and glittered.
three roses
blooming, white.

one mistake.
a hurried escape
crash to the floor.
shatter.

ocean waters,
shower the ground.
gleaming in desolation.

pieces, still glitter.
a thousand
any of them could
raise blood to your skin.
raise tears to these eyes.

ocean waters,
flow again, flow soft.
gentle this pain.

all three blooms.
once blossoming,
now a graveyard
a graveyard, a story.

float away, petals.
through this ocean,
float away.


well thats different than anything i've ever written.

Alright,
So I was sitting on the floor of my kitchen lookin in this pile of random papers and such with the intent of finding a notebook to doodle in.
I found one, but my mom had written a bunch of directions to random places in it.
Then I found a magazine "College..something or another" <--[forgot the rest of it]
It was addressed to me, and I decided to go look at the growing pile of college letters and whatnot for me, that my mom had began to grow.
I picked up a more recent magazine and began to read it.
All the decisions.
All the choices.
All the everything.
I freaked out.
College is so close, and there are so many colleges in the country.
It's crazy.
And I'm crazily indecisive, so it was awful.
I began to look up the process for becoming a psychiatrist online.
It all talked about medical degrees and how you need to be skilled in..."math, chemistry, and biology"
The only three courses in history that I've ever even gotten CLOSE to getting a C in, in forever, literally.
I started freaking out and like crying, and I called my mom and she started preaching to me about how lazy I am.
How I'm not going to get anywhere in life if I don't try.
But it's so hard to get motivated, when none of this effects me in the near future, and there are no immediate consequences for doing bad.
Like seriously, my mom always threatens stuff that will happen if I don't do good in school, but she never actually goes through with it.
I know I'm smart, or whatever, But where's the motivation come in?
Who really gives a shit?
I live in the moment too much.


whatevers.

I wrote this poem earlier this month,
just wanted to share it.

bf.
best friend, boyfriend.
it can stand for anything,
cause he stands for me.
he stands for my anything.
love, infatuation,
call it what you want,
he'll always call.
he'll always be on call.
stupid, crazy.
say what you want
but he says he loves me,
and I say, he means it.

I'm so cold.

Let me explain my story regarding the song above.
Kate and I bought "Punk goes Pop Vol. 2" off of itunes, on which There for Tomorrow covered this song.
Very well, I might add.

I didn't think much of these lyrics, but I was reading the comments under the video above, and someone commented on how much they loved the song because the lyrics were "so DEEP"
I didn't realize they had any depth and wanted to know what she was speaking about. But i really didn't feel like analyzing it, so I went to a song-meanings website where someone explained it for me.
I felt like I could really relate to it.
Basically the song is about a guy who was hurt in a previous relationship and is afraid of showing any emotion and opening himself to his new girl because he doesn't want to get hurt again.
He really likes her but his fear of being hurt made him close down.
Not that I've ever really been hurt too dramatically by a relationship, but I'm kind of the person whose afraid of giving themselves completely to people.
That's part of the reason I broke up with my boyfriend before, when it comes down to it, I was afraid of becoming attached to him, to have him break me.
I'm afraid of heartbreak, and I know lots of people are, so they know what I'm talking about.
But once I do let someone have all of me [all relationships, not just boys.], I hold onto them tight, that's where getting called "clingy" comes in. Once I have them, and I've given them myself, I don't want to lose them. I can't lose people.

Which brings me to topic two.
I recieved a call from my mother this morning,
My uncle mike had a massive heart attack sometime between yesterday and today, and didn't make it.
My aunt found him, lips blue, tried to perform CPR, and then called an ambulance.
He didn't make it at the hospital.
My mom told me this information, and I don't feel like I'm reacting properly.
Maybe there's not a "correct" way to react, but I feel like a bad person.
I didn't shed a tear, I'm kind of stunned, you know?
It doesn't feel real.
No one close to me has ever died before, outside of pets, and even then I didn't cry.
Is there something wrong with me?
I cry at sad songs, being home alone, movies, fights, and insults.
But I can't even muster a few tears for my poor old uncle mike?
We had "pickle parties" together!
I sat with him while he spoke things I didn't understand [and can't remember],
and smoked with my aunt.
He owned the coffee shop with my aunt.
My poor aunt.
My poor mom.
My poor twin cousins. [his daughters, every way besides biologically]
They're all crying I bet.
How come I can't?
I can't imagine how my aunt [his wife] feels. I feel so bad for her, this is so awful :[.
Does the rest of his family even know yet?
Its so out of control,
and I can't even cry.
There must be something wrong with me.

These ups, these downs.

part one:
I wrote a very very angry blog earlier,
but I didn't post it.
I saved it as a word document, called "unposted blog"
it wasn't happy, but at the time, it needed to be written.

I've been so all over the place recently.
I hold a lot in, as far as feelings, like I somewhat let them out, but i kinda let people walk all over me. I don't know, it's hard to explain

I hold it in a lot, especially anger, because I don't like to upset people.
But I kind of snapped today; hence the angry blog writing.
Someone said something, that normally would make me go "wtf.." and that's all. But instead I flipped out.
Overreacted.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I cried.
I threw things.
and then i shook as I sent a text message.

part two:
I have a friend, very dear to me. He has major self-esteem issues, and if anyone knew what this boy felt, they would treat him with much more...civility. It really upsets me [even though I'm sure I'm guilty of it] when people say things without realizing who they effect.
Have you ever said something like..."I really hate the color red, it's so ugly"
unknowing that the boy next to you, his favorite color was red, and he was wearing the red sweater his mom gave him for Christmas.
You just never know.
And some might say those people need thicker skin [much like my mother always told me to get, as a child], but there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Normally sensitive people are also sensitive to other's feelings. Which is a good thing.
Anyways, So my friend is treated like dirt by a lot of people, and I just wish they could see what kind of damage they cause with the words they say.
How much hurt one sarcastic comment could cause.
Ever heard of the rippling effect? How one movement in a lake of water causes giant ripples to spiral outward from every direction and effect everything anywhere near it?
Well that's what people do.
Probably including me, and I really should be more careful about what I say.

Part 3:
Now I'm in quite the joyful mood. Despite everything. I'm listening to across the universe soundtrack on my ipod, under the playlist labeled "chilling." and I'm pretty dang alright.
I just wanted to add this part three because when giving the news, they always seem to only say the bad. The good is important too.
And I'm very well right now, so I wanted you to know that.

<3 spread the love.

prose.

i wrote this prose last night..
i'm forming it into a poemish form.

look!

Stare at the phone screen by tiny fingertips.
Watch it all disappear.
The night sky hides it all.
I could be anyone.
These could be any hands.
Morning light, someone hits the switch.
Will it be me when the sun begins to shine?
Will it even matter?
The light will always fade away.
Night will always come again.
Nothing beyond those little fingertips.
Tapping at a white screen.
I could be anyone, anywhere.

different than anything else i've written.
i do enjoy it.
:P
comment what you think it means.

new poem from friday?

i think it was friday.

two arms, two legs.
solid stone.
two eyes, two ears.
concrete.
one mouth, one single chance.
rock bottom.