thank god.

Everything is okay.
Thank god everything worked out.
I'm so relieved.
thankgod.
thankgod.
thankgod.

if i wasn't still a little scared, things would be perfect.

but im pretty much alright.
thankgod.

if i have one piece of advice you ever listen to, it should be this.
the ripple effect does more than you know,
you don't know how much you'll impact someone's life.
you just don't know.

how does ignoring feel?

I'm completely pushing away every bad thought.
maybe that's not healthy, but I don't wanna be anything but happy right now.

I refuse to even listen to anything but happy music.
nevershoutnever has been on repeat, it's almost pathetic :P

I don't want to ruin these moments.
Like if I wanted to, I could so easily slide into crying.
But I'm doing everything to avoid it.

I'm so sick of being sad.
I'm so sick of being upset.
I'm so sick of stressing.

I am fifteen years old.
Maybe this sounds like narcassistic or something,
but damn it, I deserve to enjoy my life.

You're only a teenager once, I can't spend my time crying in a corner.
I've wasted too much time, it's never seemed so urgent before.

it's not even six yet.

My mom woke me up early to study for chemistry because I just couldn't concentrate last night. Yesterday was so bizarre.
I have a lot of guilt built up from it.

I've got this new...boy.
and either way, when my ex saw me and the new guy, holding hands and such, he kinda flipped.
After third period he began to beg me back.
During fourth period he started sending me desperate pleas. He can't live without me, he doesn't just want me, he NEEDS me.
And how he's changed in the past couple of days of being away from me. He's a changed guy!
I told him no.
I told him I couldn't go back.
Then [in a nutshell] he told me he couldn't live without me, if he couldn't have me, he was going to kill himself.
I flipped out and left math.
Then I texted him and told him to get out of the lunchroom, now.
He did. I grabbed his arm and started pulling him to the counselor.
He kept telling me no, but he didn't stop walking.
I told him he was threatening suicide! this is what he needed.
he told me he wasn't threatening, he was planning.
oh my gosh.
As we walked into the counselor's he complained how it wasn't going to help anything.
I hoped he was wrong.
I ask to see the first counselor we could [thank god, it was my counselor!] He asked what the problem was and I told him my friend here..-err..exboyfriend is being suicidal.
He then told me to leave, this was a one on one thing.
I felt majorly relieved, but still upset.
Then during fifth he texted me "this ruins everything, my whole life is fucked up"
He basically began to blame everything on me.
Freak me out more, why don'tcha?
He had to spend the rest of the day at the counselors, then his dad picked him up go to the hospital.
He was texting me, last night, from the hospital. Still asking me to get back together with him.
He had to spend the night there.

Meanwhile I'm trying to be excited about the new dude, but I feel horribly guilty for being excited.
Since the whole ex thing.
I feel so guilty about so many things right now.
It'll be okay though.
I'm gonna talk to the counselor about it today, like about yesterday.

My dream last night

I left my small cabin house to wander around. Im pretty sure if i didn't drink water constantly i slowly fade or something like that but me and random boy, my brother end up joining a traveling circus together on our journeys.
and it was just this huge long drawn out dream. it was awesome. there was an invisible girl in our circus [and its ironic that the invisible girl is a girl at my school who went blind] and we were counting out all our european coins for her to go buy some food for the first time and not have her invisibility noticed. She had on a cap and such so all that was visibly gone was her eyes and top of her nose.
Then i was in this store with my mom, idk this part was really dark feeling emotionally i remember, and she was flirting with this guy or something. he looked like a lumber jack. i remember looking at halloween costumes for some reason.
idk..
it was all so confusing.

damn you, allison.

you contradict yourself.
i didn't mean to start liking somebody.
i even tried not to.

but you can't stop yourself,
it doesn't work.
things just happen.


now what?

Love isn't my thing anymore.
i'm listening to that good charlotte song, I don't wanna be in love.
It's right. Cause I don't.
I have my whole life to find love. I have my whole life to find the one. anything I do right now, I throw my whole self into. I don't want my life to be dependent on someone else. I want to be self sufficient, and if I'm in love, it runs my life. I don't have too much experience in this, I'm young. But I have been in love and if it turns out to be one sided, it hurts. Like seriously. I could really be upset right now, like ill admit, I could break down if I didn't stop myself from thinking about it. But right now I don't wanna be upset. I just want to enjoy my life, so that's what I'm gonna do. Alone and self sufficient. :)

go ahead

ask me why im crying.

i gave you my heart.
i gave you my all.
i gave it all away.

all i asked for was a little bit of your love.
not even all of it.
just a smidgen.
you couldn't even do that.

the song im listening to its basically what youre thinking.
i know it.

it was obvious this was coming.
it was obvious you were fading.
i just wanted to ignore it.
pretend i wasn't gonna be broken.

pretending is for actors and small children.

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im so up.
so down.
all the
time.

i have this problem.

i ignore problems by rearranging my furniture.

it's like a whole new room everytime.
something to concentrate on.
rearranging my furniture takes at least a couple of hours.
it makes me feel...empowered.
and all nice and shiny new.
it's not like i get bored of the way it was,
i just like the change.

things keep happening.

Life is flying by so fast,
I don't know what to do with it.
I just want to hold on tight with one of those children leashes and pull it back.
keep that young innocence.
maybe that's what those little child harnesses are really trying to do.
these parents aren't only trying to hold their kids back from walking away with the stranger.
but they want to hold them back from walking into adolescence.
i hate to break it to you, guardians, but your method isn't exactly as effective as you thought.

I'm a second-class citizen in this household.

I feel like I keep returning to this topic, but recently it's felt so true.
I know what you're thinking, "this chick's dad just bought her a laptop, i give her no sympathy"
but the thing is, I'm not looking for your sympathy, I'm just saying how I feel.
My brother is virtually untouchable.
my parents blame it all on the medicine.
Medicine makes your brother an asshole?
Medicine makes him take your stereo without asking and gets it all tangly.
Medicine makes your brother punch your door and scream at you to "watch yourself."
Maybe it could for some people, but what my parents don't realize is that, this is nothing new.
He's always been like this.
Nothing has changed except a couple hundred more dollars down the drain every month.
and a whole new suitcase of stress for my mom to carry.

i wrote a poem last night in bed.

sometimes i'm on the outside,
watching the fun go along.
sometimes i'm on the inside,
but somehow my laughter sounds wrong.

some days it's all just a movie,
and my eyes fixate on this screen.
some days i'm recorded on camera,
but it all just feels like a dream.

I'm not sure exactly what I want to talk ab9ut today here, but I'm very antsy and so I know I need to write something.
I think I'm just gonna ramble.

Basically I'm not gonna be able to see my bf for the rest of this week, aka. all of spring break. And it really bums me out cause spring break oh 9 was supposed to be super amazing, but it can't be super amazing without him...or good weather [it's windy and overcast]. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I can't help it.

And all this shit with my brother is pissing me off. My parents spent an hour "discussing" him in the garage while my dad was here. His pyschiatrist doctor thing has had him on about a dozen different medications between last year and this year. They have all fucked with his head...has anyone ever considered the thought that maybe there's nothing wrong with that brain of his, and he's just a bit lazy.
He was so much better off before they had him on drugs ranging between A.D.H.D medicines to very strong anti-pyschotic meds.
Maybe he's just a drama queen
or
Maybe there's stuff he's not telling us, and in reality he really is messed up.
I don't know.
But he spent virtually the entire weekend with my dad asleep. I think my dad is a mixture of worried and pissed.
But the only reason we know any of the drugs he's been on is because my dad searched throughb his room at the cabin and here at our house and those are the prescriptions he's found.
My brother doesn't have to discuss anything with us because he's eighteen now, so his medical history is private.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention it!
My brother Chris is GETTING MARRIED ALSO :]]
Now 2 out of the 3 dawson brothers are getting married!
Emory and Autumn= november 19 [i think?]
Chris and Marissa= early 2010

It's so crazy and it makes me so excited.
I haven't been to a wedding since I was three.
I'll be sixteen then, do I have to bring a date?
My boyfriend will be in guatamala during both of these...

Oh I haven't explained that either.
I've been overstressing so much recently about what to do.
My boyfriend is spending junior year of our highschool expierence in guatamala with his dad's girlfriend and her kids.
I offered to let him date other people during that year, but he refused.
So i don't know what else to do.
I'm honestly worried I won't be able to take it.
I'm worried we won't make it through it.
He seems pretty nonchalant about it, but he's a guy.
Does that make a difference?

But junior year is so important.
He's gonna miss both weddings [as I already mentioned]
My sweet sixteen.
Both our first car drives. [which we promised to have with eachother]
Being upperclassmen.
homecoming.
junior prom.
and then all those little moments that bring you closer to people.
An entire school year is a long time to be away.

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on it just yet,
things could happen,
he could end up not going.
But for some reason I feel like it'll be the end.
I don't know, maybe I'm being overdramatic?
Okay I'm done talking about it.